Conflicts occur when there are:
- differences in needs
- differences in values
In order for us to get more insight in what we really need and value and how we are going to live together with the differences, we need to look at everybody’s side: sit down together, take the time. Empathic Conflict Resolution guides us through this step-by-step.
Mostly we stay focused on our personal needs and values as if they are a matter of life or death to us. It is not yet a habit of ours to acknowledge that there are ALWAYS differences in needs and in values, that we can GIVE AND TAKE TIME and LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCES FOR WHAT THEY ARE.
At a moment of conflict, emotions respond straight away and they spiral up in strength like a tornado.
You can even feel being in the ‘eye’ where your panic is so high that your conscious thinking stops and you may even feel like you are in a ‘freeze’ or on the brink of passing out. Your logic is not available to you at all.
The mind and body, the whole system is stressed at the moment of conflict.
This stress can catch you by surprise. On top of that your response can catch you by surprise also. Your subconscious mind, your ‘automated pilot’, your ‘recorder’, or ‘computer’ takes over and responds to the stress from the best survival skills she remembers:
Wow! What happens here?
Scientists say that the oldest part of our brain is taking over at moments of stress, like how we responded when we were cave-men and women.
Because fight and flight are the oldest survival skills and the strongest embedded in our behavioral system, they kick in.
Your situation is instantly assessed by this part of the brain according to scientists. If you feel you can win, you ‘fight’, if you feel you may lose, you ‘flight’.
This is a very scary point of view, because:
Are we just ‘victims’ of inheriting this ‘old’ brain system that reacts this way in moments of stress?
The oldest brain is also called the Reptilian- or Monkey-brain, it is compared to how animals respond for survival and it is said that this is ‘part of us’.
Obviously fight or flight responses are not too handy most of the time in our modern society and our much populated planet!
So what can we do?
- Build more jails?
- Blame the Reptilian Brain for our actions?
- ‘Pay’ for fight responses and invent ‘appropriate’ punishments for that?
- Devour the shame on flight responses?
- Ignore what is going on inside of us?
- Master it?
- Suppress it?
- Have the rest of the brain take over?
The punishment- and shame system is still very much used in parenting. Even though there is more and more opposition to use it everywhere in the world.
The analytical way of ‘use your conscious brain’ is very much promoted these days to help children understand the ‘natural consequences’ of their actions.
Parents try very hard to be an example and address an upset with reasoning and logic.
But that still leaves us with the fact that the Reptilian Brain is still going to respond, right?
To have children use their conscious mind and reasoning, parents themselves have to go in reptilian mode of being in control (I can win), saying things like: “You don’t need to be screaming. Just talk to me.”
This may work for when the child is younger as he will go in the reptilian flight mode, but when the teenage years are there, even the preteen years, the emotions are also run by the necessary hormones and the reptilian fight-mode (I can win this) takes over.
If you look at this oldest part of the brain from a metaphysical point of view , you can see possibilities for change. You can discover how the Reptilian Brain can be entered and how pain-charges of stress that cling to the emotional memories can be lowered, even canceled out!
What is ‘old’ in our brain is the storage of memories. And yes, not only the brain remembers. The heart is a storage center as well. In fact ALL of our cells remember. (The brain is just a part of our body, like a drop of ocean water contains everything of the total ocean water that it stems from)
So from a meta-physical point of view you do not only look at one part of the brain that is responsible for our fight or flight behavior, you look at your WHOLE BEING. This being has a physical, mental, emotional and causal body. All areas can store memories that have a negative charge to it.
Whenever you have an experience that you feel is painful (physical or emotional), this is recorded in your memory with an electrical charge of stress. The electrical charge in stress-levels can be measured with many devices. Take for example a lie-detector that measures stress-levels.
In your daily life you experience this electrical charge in your physical body. You feel it as discomfort. Compare sayings that we actually use, like:
- “That gives me a bad taste in the mouth” or:
- “The thought alone is hair-raising”.
You can feel nauseous recalling a bad memory, and even experience physical pain. So stress is the electrical pain charge that you experience. This electrical charge is a negative charge, it is a pain-signal that warns you: “Hey! This is a bad experience, do something about it!”
Energy attracts similar energy. It is not fun to hear this, but the bad memory with the electrical charge will attract similar experiences. Not because you like that, but because it is the law of attraction.
When you attract another similar painful experience, this second one attaches itself to the first experience. Both are recorded and stored in the subconscious mind together with the double portion of painful electricity. The third experience attaches to the second and the first, etc.
It gets even worse as the mind does not know the difference between something that really happened to you and something painful that you recall. So when you have your third experience you remember the second and the first. The mind stores the recalls as other true events. Before you know it your mind thinks that you have experienced the painful event over and over and over.
You can see that the saying:
- “The more I think about it, the worse it gets”
is really happening. All the events cling together and become clusters of pain-patterns that are stored in the subconscious mind.
You may get the belief that a certain event ‘always happens to you’ or that it is in fact who you are or how your child is and how she ‘always get in trouble’.The patterns can have such an high amount of stress that the storage-room for it is ‘saturated’. Now the whole cluster goes to a place that the conscious mind has no access to it. The person may not even remember.
At a moment of stress reminiscent of an aspect of a certain pain-pattern, you can –out of the blue- be in total stress in a split second. It is the tornado that was built up, and is all of a sudden activated and puts you in a “life or death’ mode.
If you have an experience that you claim is painful, you ought to give it attention.
Giving time and looking at it for what it is, can be done by
1. Meditation Processes
There have been great written Meditation Processes to ‘delete’ the pain-charge from a memory. Heavy chains of pain-patterns that need to be ‘peeled-off’ experience by experience need quite some attention and work, especially those that are stored so far away and long ago (life times) and may even been hidden.
Positive Parenting A Free Child deals mainly with the communication part of our well-being and provides The Empathic Conflict Resolution system.
If you want to know more about the use of processes, you can fill out a contact form
There are all kind of other modern modalities that assist you in this. Some address past lives, some address all the senses. ‘Tapping” is one of my favorites.
3. At Positive Parenting a Free Child we use
The very best about Empathic Conflict Resolution is that you can PREVENT an experience to be painful in the first place!
How to start? GIVE IT TIME AND LOOK AT THE CONFLICT FOR WHAT IT IS: it is a conflict, a difference in needs or a difference in values. As I say in my trainings: put the conflict on the table and start unraveling it!